As much as I swore it wouldn't happen, Kynlea suffers from 2nd child syndrome. It's first obvious when you walk into our home and see a mini shrine to Emi, and only a few pictures of Kynlea (usually the professional, matted, huge ones-because we were trying to make up for the fact that it had been a year since her last picture). Every month, or in some cases week, of Emi's first 5 years of life is documented in pictures...Kynlea, not so much. I could easily say this is because Emi loves getting pictures and Kynlea hates it, but there is more proof.
By the time Emi was 2, she was already in a dance class, by 3, she was taking three of them. She's also in soccer. Kynlea is three and has yet to be enrolled in anything. We are so stinking busy with Tyler and Emi, I can't even find the time to get Kyns signed up, let alone to a practice or a game.
But most telling is just by looking at her. Emi never left the house without a bow in her perfectly brushed hair, and earrings that matched her perfectly coordinated and ironed outfit. I'm lucky if Kynlea gets her face washed and her teeth brushed some mornings!
Here's how things have changed:
Emi-always had cute, matching clothes, with zippers and buttons, with no thought to how difficut it is to get her in and out of said outfit...Kynlea-is lucky to get pants that match her shirt, and long gone are any zippers.
Emi-I would buy $30 jeans and not bat an eye, even though I knew she would outgrow them in 3 months...Kynlea-I wait for a 2 for $22 sale at Childrens place, even though she's been the same size for over a year.
Every morning Emi's clothes were perfectly ironed...Kynlea is lucky if hers come off a hanger.
Emi-had earrings that matched her outfit every day...Kynlea is still wearing the studs that her ears were pierced with three years ago.
Emi had the best selection of shoes...Kyns has tinkerbelle AND ariel flipflops
Emi had at least a zillion bows....Ok, so does Kynlea-in this area I haven't slacked
I had this epipahny this morning as I was picking out Kynlea's clothes for the day and stumbled upon a hand me down skirt from Emi that needed to be ironed. I wondered if Kynlea would grow up feeling neglected and think that I don't care as much as I did when Emi was little. And then I thought, it's not so much a case of caring less, but more about deciding what is really important this time around. Granted, Kynlea doesn't always look like a Gymboree poster child, but she is still loved like crazy and I haven't slacked on the quality things. So when she grows up and asks why there are no pictures of her or why she doesn't have a ton of baby earrings to pass on to her girls, I will tell her that I was more secure in being a mom this time around and worried less about the details, and instead focused on just enjoying the small amount of time we have together before I have to send her out into the world.
And just for today, I ironed the skirt and she's wearing it-even though her earrings and shoes don't match :-D
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
SAY WHAT?
I had my first taste of "what kind of craptastic mother are you?" last night and I gotta tell you, I'm not a fan :-D
Kynlea is three, and is ALMOST potty trained. She's dry most nights, and can stay dry during the day when she chooses...Kynlea does everything as she chooses. I admit, maybe I should be a little bit tougher on her, but who am I kidding, she is my baby, and as hard as I try not to "baby" her, I still do. Plus, I just don't fight every battle with her, if I did, I would have time for nothing else. So, yes, she is three, and not 100% potty trained-Deal with it ;-)
When I had Emi, I was a freak. I read the books, and made it my goal that she hit every milestone well ahead of schedule. She slept through the night by 6 weeks, she walked at 9 months, she was off the bottle at 10 months. She is a genius child-I'm not gonna lie :-D. Potty training her was a bit rough, but that was my fault-I thought I could potty train her by her first bday-THAT totally backfired and she wouldn't go near at potty for a year. But in true Emi fashion, she had her last potty accident the night before third birthday-Emi does everything in grand fashion, it makes remembering milestones easy ;)
With Kynlea, I have been much more relaxed, maybe because she is my baby, maybe it's because I have so much going on, or maybe it's because I am a bit scared of her...it's probably a little of all of it. But honestly, I have stuggled with the fact that she won't be consistant on the potty. I have searched the internet and books for ideas, I have bribed, begged, pleaded, and threatened her. But finally, I let it go and reminded myself that eventually ALL kids pee in the potty.
So last night, I dropped her off at church so we can do Wed night bible study. This is the first time we've done bible study at this church, so I wasn't sure where to take her. I walked past a room with what looked like babies, so I proceeded to the big kid room, where I was promply greated by a "lady". She asked how old Kynlea was, and if she was potty trained. I replyed that she just turned three, and was about 80 % but had a pullup on and would go if she was reminded. This "lady" proceeded to tell me that "the BABIES are in the other room, and that they only accept BIG GIRLS in this room!"
Oh no she didn't!!! I gotta tell you, it's a good thing I was in church!
So here is my thought. Why are we, as moms, so worried about our kids being just like every other kid? Why do we think of ourselves as bad moms if our kids don't comform? And why in the world, do women feel the need to judge other women, instead of being encouraging and warm?
As angry as I was at this woman-and believe me I was furious, it made me think...do I say things that make my mommy friends feel less than adequate? Do I look at kids and think something is wrong if they don't do exactly what I would want them to? I hope I don't and I am very sorry if I have. I learned a valuable lesson last night from that "lady". I will try much harder to be a supportive mommy friend from here on out...
God works in mysterious ways!
Kynlea is three, and is ALMOST potty trained. She's dry most nights, and can stay dry during the day when she chooses...Kynlea does everything as she chooses. I admit, maybe I should be a little bit tougher on her, but who am I kidding, she is my baby, and as hard as I try not to "baby" her, I still do. Plus, I just don't fight every battle with her, if I did, I would have time for nothing else. So, yes, she is three, and not 100% potty trained-Deal with it ;-)
When I had Emi, I was a freak. I read the books, and made it my goal that she hit every milestone well ahead of schedule. She slept through the night by 6 weeks, she walked at 9 months, she was off the bottle at 10 months. She is a genius child-I'm not gonna lie :-D. Potty training her was a bit rough, but that was my fault-I thought I could potty train her by her first bday-THAT totally backfired and she wouldn't go near at potty for a year. But in true Emi fashion, she had her last potty accident the night before third birthday-Emi does everything in grand fashion, it makes remembering milestones easy ;)
With Kynlea, I have been much more relaxed, maybe because she is my baby, maybe it's because I have so much going on, or maybe it's because I am a bit scared of her...it's probably a little of all of it. But honestly, I have stuggled with the fact that she won't be consistant on the potty. I have searched the internet and books for ideas, I have bribed, begged, pleaded, and threatened her. But finally, I let it go and reminded myself that eventually ALL kids pee in the potty.
So last night, I dropped her off at church so we can do Wed night bible study. This is the first time we've done bible study at this church, so I wasn't sure where to take her. I walked past a room with what looked like babies, so I proceeded to the big kid room, where I was promply greated by a "lady". She asked how old Kynlea was, and if she was potty trained. I replyed that she just turned three, and was about 80 % but had a pullup on and would go if she was reminded. This "lady" proceeded to tell me that "the BABIES are in the other room, and that they only accept BIG GIRLS in this room!"
Oh no she didn't!!! I gotta tell you, it's a good thing I was in church!
So here is my thought. Why are we, as moms, so worried about our kids being just like every other kid? Why do we think of ourselves as bad moms if our kids don't comform? And why in the world, do women feel the need to judge other women, instead of being encouraging and warm?
As angry as I was at this woman-and believe me I was furious, it made me think...do I say things that make my mommy friends feel less than adequate? Do I look at kids and think something is wrong if they don't do exactly what I would want them to? I hope I don't and I am very sorry if I have. I learned a valuable lesson last night from that "lady". I will try much harder to be a supportive mommy friend from here on out...
God works in mysterious ways!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I hate today-REALLY hate today. I wish I could just skip July 28th. It's been 5 years since we lost my dad and it doesn't get easier. I can handle father's day, his birthday, and every holiday, but I HATE HATE HATE this day. There are a million happy memories that I have of my dad on every other day, but not today. This day was the worst day of my life-hands down. It completely sucked-BAD!
There is a reason why Kynlea was born on July 27th-because I wasn't about to risk her bday being today. They say that it gets easier as the years pass, but I don't agree. Every year I watch my kids grow and ache inside that their papa gene is missing it. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm hurt-and I'm NOT over it!!!
Shon's dad called yesterday to wish Kynlea a happy birthday-Shon's dad has never met any of our children, has never met me, and hasn't seen shon in almost 30 years-he's nuts, he's a mess, he's not at all a good roll model...yet he calls every birthday and tells us he loves us, that he wants to meet his grandkids, and that he's sorry. I know that Shon is angry, and I'm sure there is major hurt that I can't even begin to understand, but I just don't understand how the man that is so loving to me and our kids, can act like he doesn't even have a dad-because I would give anything to have mine back. I just don't get it and it breaks my heart.
I really do try to be a positive, understanding person. I try to be sympathetic to people that don't have the relationship that I had with my dad and that I have with my mom. I try not to judge or pretend to know better than they do. But today I am not understanding and sympathetic. Today I am angry and bitter and don't understand. I will be better tomorrow and not pass judgement on those who CHOOSE to not talk to their parents. But not today. Any day but today.
There is a reason why Kynlea was born on July 27th-because I wasn't about to risk her bday being today. They say that it gets easier as the years pass, but I don't agree. Every year I watch my kids grow and ache inside that their papa gene is missing it. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm hurt-and I'm NOT over it!!!
Shon's dad called yesterday to wish Kynlea a happy birthday-Shon's dad has never met any of our children, has never met me, and hasn't seen shon in almost 30 years-he's nuts, he's a mess, he's not at all a good roll model...yet he calls every birthday and tells us he loves us, that he wants to meet his grandkids, and that he's sorry. I know that Shon is angry, and I'm sure there is major hurt that I can't even begin to understand, but I just don't understand how the man that is so loving to me and our kids, can act like he doesn't even have a dad-because I would give anything to have mine back. I just don't get it and it breaks my heart.
I really do try to be a positive, understanding person. I try to be sympathetic to people that don't have the relationship that I had with my dad and that I have with my mom. I try not to judge or pretend to know better than they do. But today I am not understanding and sympathetic. Today I am angry and bitter and don't understand. I will be better tomorrow and not pass judgement on those who CHOOSE to not talk to their parents. But not today. Any day but today.
Monday, June 28, 2010
controlling my need to control...
I wonder, as a mom, why I sometimes have a hard time just sitting back and letting my girls become their own person. I struggle with this the most with Kynlea because she is so opposite of what I am. I struggle to find the balance between what I want for her and what she wants. I often struggle just trying to figure her out. I love her so very much, I just don't always know what is the right thing to do for her.
My baby princess is turning three in one month. I love love love my kid's birthdays-they are my favorite days of the year-I love planning and throwing them the parties that they want. I've been accused of going overbored, but I just love to do it!
Emi has never had a store bought cake-wait-I take that back...when she was three, she had a strawberry shortcake party and I bought a cake-she still reminds me that I didn't love her at her third bday and that's why I bought her cake...Emi loves bday parties as much as I do-she gets way into it-comes up with fabulous themes, and we have a great time planning-she is such a princess-I've raised her well-LOL!
Kynlea could not be more opposite! She HATES attention! Doesn't like too many people, doesn't like too much noise, doesn't want to open gifts in front of people...she is so anti-party! I first saw this at her first birthday when she completely melted down and my mom ended up hanging out with her in the pool alone because Kynlea couldn't deal. It took 3 days to get her gifts opened-she was not even a little impressed. Last year was no different. She loves Elmo, so we planned a huge sesame street party, had her favorite balloon guy make her Elmo balloons, played games, etc-again she hated it! Wanted no part of the attention-she may have been tramatized...
This year her heart is set on having a Go Diego Go party. She loves him-not Dora, Diego. So I sit, planning a "boy" party, that is low on the party like elements, and trying to make it the perfect party for my anti-princess. Although in my heart I want to go all out, I will listen to my little girl and plan a party that SHE will love. Complete with a bouncy house, a chocolate Diego cake, some fruit, no meat, no games, minimal decorations, and a very low key time that will not cause my baby girl any stress. I will fight my instinct to make her the center of attention that day and just let her play. It will be perfect for her.
And in September, when Emi turns 8, I will go ALL out ;-)
My baby princess is turning three in one month. I love love love my kid's birthdays-they are my favorite days of the year-I love planning and throwing them the parties that they want. I've been accused of going overbored, but I just love to do it!
Emi has never had a store bought cake-wait-I take that back...when she was three, she had a strawberry shortcake party and I bought a cake-she still reminds me that I didn't love her at her third bday and that's why I bought her cake...Emi loves bday parties as much as I do-she gets way into it-comes up with fabulous themes, and we have a great time planning-she is such a princess-I've raised her well-LOL!
Kynlea could not be more opposite! She HATES attention! Doesn't like too many people, doesn't like too much noise, doesn't want to open gifts in front of people...she is so anti-party! I first saw this at her first birthday when she completely melted down and my mom ended up hanging out with her in the pool alone because Kynlea couldn't deal. It took 3 days to get her gifts opened-she was not even a little impressed. Last year was no different. She loves Elmo, so we planned a huge sesame street party, had her favorite balloon guy make her Elmo balloons, played games, etc-again she hated it! Wanted no part of the attention-she may have been tramatized...
This year her heart is set on having a Go Diego Go party. She loves him-not Dora, Diego. So I sit, planning a "boy" party, that is low on the party like elements, and trying to make it the perfect party for my anti-princess. Although in my heart I want to go all out, I will listen to my little girl and plan a party that SHE will love. Complete with a bouncy house, a chocolate Diego cake, some fruit, no meat, no games, minimal decorations, and a very low key time that will not cause my baby girl any stress. I will fight my instinct to make her the center of attention that day and just let her play. It will be perfect for her.
And in September, when Emi turns 8, I will go ALL out ;-)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
blessed!
Whew-what a week! And it's only Thursday! I think I've learned more this week alone, than I have in the last five years of my life...
I've learned that I don't handle stress all that well. I'm not talking about everyday, meet the deadline, got alot on my plate stress-that I am good at. I'm talking REAL stress-can't control, feeling helpless, only thing to do is get on your knees and pray stress-this stress I do not handle well AT ALL!
I've learned that I am friends with one amazing woman! A woman who has dealt with more in her 35 years than some people twice her age. This woman does what needs to be done, rolls with the punches, and comes out a better person for it. She is stronger than I could ever be, and she has proved it over and over again-this week alone!
I've also learned that I am not that bad of a friend...over the past couple of years I've questioned this some. And I could always be a better friend. But ya know what, almost everyone who has really been important in my life-through elementary school, high school, college, etc...are still around-heck I even married one of them. Which makes me think, I'm either not a terrible friend, or I choose to be around some of the most forgiving, awesomest people ever!
I've learned that a wine cooler by the pool on a hot afternoon is quite refreshing! I knew this MANY years ago, but forgot-thanks for reminding me mom! Am I going to start buying BnJ four packs and drinking them around all of my friends-no. But they can be a nice change-LOL
I've learned that Tyler is really a responsible kid, with a good head on his shoulders-I kinda knew this one already, but he continues to prove me right.
I've learned that Emi has a good grasp of God and heaven. And that she loves God! I am SO thankful for this!
I've learned that Kynlea has some pretty sweet moves-next time you see her, ask her to show you her "spinkler". I predict "so you think you can dance" in her future...
I've learned that you can NEVER been to protective of your children-it only takes a second for them to get seriously hurt.
I've learned that in a split second, your whole life can change. And your priorities can completely shift
I've learned that people are good. People love children-even children they don't know. People will take time to pray for a precious little boy that they don't know, and for his family. They don't need details, they don't need credit, they just do it because they are good.
And most importantly, this week I have learned that the power of prayer is awesome! I believe in God, and I trust God, but man this week, I have seen what happens when people put it in God's hands and let him take control! And I am SOOOOO thankful for Him and you guys for being warriors this week!
I have cried my eyes out this week. I have kissed my kids more than usual this week. I have prayed harder this week than I have in years. I have sat, still, quiet, and reflected-something I am not good at. I have been a sappy mess.
I am blessed-the people I love are blessed! God is so good!!!
And this weekend, I get to watch my princesses be in my cousin's wedding. The same cousin who was in my wedding almost 11 years ago, who's mom's wedding I was in, and who's mom was in my mom's wedding-thank goodness we all had girls! I love tradition! I love weddings! I love my wonderful life!
I am blessed!
I've learned that I don't handle stress all that well. I'm not talking about everyday, meet the deadline, got alot on my plate stress-that I am good at. I'm talking REAL stress-can't control, feeling helpless, only thing to do is get on your knees and pray stress-this stress I do not handle well AT ALL!
I've learned that I am friends with one amazing woman! A woman who has dealt with more in her 35 years than some people twice her age. This woman does what needs to be done, rolls with the punches, and comes out a better person for it. She is stronger than I could ever be, and she has proved it over and over again-this week alone!
I've also learned that I am not that bad of a friend...over the past couple of years I've questioned this some. And I could always be a better friend. But ya know what, almost everyone who has really been important in my life-through elementary school, high school, college, etc...are still around-heck I even married one of them. Which makes me think, I'm either not a terrible friend, or I choose to be around some of the most forgiving, awesomest people ever!
I've learned that a wine cooler by the pool on a hot afternoon is quite refreshing! I knew this MANY years ago, but forgot-thanks for reminding me mom! Am I going to start buying BnJ four packs and drinking them around all of my friends-no. But they can be a nice change-LOL
I've learned that Tyler is really a responsible kid, with a good head on his shoulders-I kinda knew this one already, but he continues to prove me right.
I've learned that Emi has a good grasp of God and heaven. And that she loves God! I am SO thankful for this!
I've learned that Kynlea has some pretty sweet moves-next time you see her, ask her to show you her "spinkler". I predict "so you think you can dance" in her future...
I've learned that you can NEVER been to protective of your children-it only takes a second for them to get seriously hurt.
I've learned that in a split second, your whole life can change. And your priorities can completely shift
I've learned that people are good. People love children-even children they don't know. People will take time to pray for a precious little boy that they don't know, and for his family. They don't need details, they don't need credit, they just do it because they are good.
And most importantly, this week I have learned that the power of prayer is awesome! I believe in God, and I trust God, but man this week, I have seen what happens when people put it in God's hands and let him take control! And I am SOOOOO thankful for Him and you guys for being warriors this week!
I have cried my eyes out this week. I have kissed my kids more than usual this week. I have prayed harder this week than I have in years. I have sat, still, quiet, and reflected-something I am not good at. I have been a sappy mess.
I am blessed-the people I love are blessed! God is so good!!!
And this weekend, I get to watch my princesses be in my cousin's wedding. The same cousin who was in my wedding almost 11 years ago, who's mom's wedding I was in, and who's mom was in my mom's wedding-thank goodness we all had girls! I love tradition! I love weddings! I love my wonderful life!
I am blessed!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
You get one luxury item. What's it gonna be?
I'm packing for a weekend trip to the lake, and I'm desperately trying to decide what I should bring as my luxury item. Afterall, me at the lake for the weekend may as well be me on some deserted island playing for immunity from tribal council. I'm just not a nature girl...well, if nature consists of a beach by the ocean with a lounge chair and a cabana boy, then I AM a nature girl, but if it doesn't, then no-nature and I are not that close.
I considered bringing a ginormous Texas flag-Colby style-for shelter, and because we will be in Oklahoma...but honestly, I'm not that loyal to Texas (and we are staying in a hotel).
Maybe I'll bring floss-yes floss! Afterall, you only have to floss the teeth you wanna keep, and if we get desperate we can use it to tie something up-surely you need to tie things up in nature...
hmm-maybe my Iphone-ya know so I can call for help if the bears come to attack-are there bears in Oklahoma? Gotta google that before I leave...
oh wait-bug spray! Yes, I'm sure there are bugs at lakes-great! Wonder what kind of bugs are at this particular lake? Wonder if Family Off will handle them all or if I need to bring Raid...note to self-google this also...
Bottle opener is a good option-lord knows I can go without eating, but a girl's gotta stay hydrated. It's acceptable to drink wine out of a solo cup if you are doing at the lake right? I wonder where I can find acceptable lake behavior...no doubt I will be googling all afternoon...
Maybe I'll just bring my own personal fireman! Yes, that's it-that should cover all my bases-well except maybe the floss...
I will no doubt be out of my comfort zone this weekend, but so what? I am up for an adventure and some of my favorite people in the whole world will be there. It will be a fantastic weekend and I know we will have a fabulous time!
Besides, I survived an all girls trip to Cancun, which I assure you was scarier than anyting Jeff Probst could come up with on Survivor-camping should be cake...
I considered bringing a ginormous Texas flag-Colby style-for shelter, and because we will be in Oklahoma...but honestly, I'm not that loyal to Texas (and we are staying in a hotel).
Maybe I'll bring floss-yes floss! Afterall, you only have to floss the teeth you wanna keep, and if we get desperate we can use it to tie something up-surely you need to tie things up in nature...
hmm-maybe my Iphone-ya know so I can call for help if the bears come to attack-are there bears in Oklahoma? Gotta google that before I leave...
oh wait-bug spray! Yes, I'm sure there are bugs at lakes-great! Wonder what kind of bugs are at this particular lake? Wonder if Family Off will handle them all or if I need to bring Raid...note to self-google this also...
Bottle opener is a good option-lord knows I can go without eating, but a girl's gotta stay hydrated. It's acceptable to drink wine out of a solo cup if you are doing at the lake right? I wonder where I can find acceptable lake behavior...no doubt I will be googling all afternoon...
Maybe I'll just bring my own personal fireman! Yes, that's it-that should cover all my bases-well except maybe the floss...
I will no doubt be out of my comfort zone this weekend, but so what? I am up for an adventure and some of my favorite people in the whole world will be there. It will be a fantastic weekend and I know we will have a fabulous time!
Besides, I survived an all girls trip to Cancun, which I assure you was scarier than anyting Jeff Probst could come up with on Survivor-camping should be cake...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
mommy guilt
Today I drove through the McDonalds drive thru and bought my kids happy meals. This is not something that I do. Seriously, unless we are on a trip, I try not to let my kids eat fast food. Even on crazy soccer/baseball nights I try to plan dinner early, or at the very least, pack thier dinner for us to take. As I sat in the line waiting to get their bags o grease I felt SO guilty!!! What in the world possesed me to do this? Was it easy? maybe... Was it good for them? NO! What was I thinking???
What is it in mom DNA that makes us feel guilty? Why can't I just chalk it up to a special treat for the girls and get over it???
I have this crazy idea in my head of what the perfect wife and mother is. The house must be clean, the kids must be clean and well mannered, the wife must cook a nutritious and delicious meal every night, the food must be organic, non processed, all the while with a smile on my face because I have the most amazing husband who works so unbelievably hard to give us this life, the life I want for my family...
This is next to impossible to do btw...
But I try-I try hard. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I work so hard on the house, I neglect my kids. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in Emi's homework, dinner ends up being chicken nuggets and tator tots. Sometimes the folded laundry doesn't get put away. Sometimes I'm just so stinking tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is go sit somewhere and let someone else feed my kids and husband. So much for the perfect mother.
So for tonight, I will try to get over the guilt. Tonight I will relish the fact that I was able to take my kids to McDonalds and let them have a happy meal for no other reason that I decided they could. I won't feel guilty that I didn't cook for them, that it wasn't organic, that I didn't see what actually went into making it, and I will be happy knowing that tomorrow they will eat healthier.
What is it in mom DNA that makes us feel guilty? Why can't I just chalk it up to a special treat for the girls and get over it???
I have this crazy idea in my head of what the perfect wife and mother is. The house must be clean, the kids must be clean and well mannered, the wife must cook a nutritious and delicious meal every night, the food must be organic, non processed, all the while with a smile on my face because I have the most amazing husband who works so unbelievably hard to give us this life, the life I want for my family...
This is next to impossible to do btw...
But I try-I try hard. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I work so hard on the house, I neglect my kids. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in Emi's homework, dinner ends up being chicken nuggets and tator tots. Sometimes the folded laundry doesn't get put away. Sometimes I'm just so stinking tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is go sit somewhere and let someone else feed my kids and husband. So much for the perfect mother.
So for tonight, I will try to get over the guilt. Tonight I will relish the fact that I was able to take my kids to McDonalds and let them have a happy meal for no other reason that I decided they could. I won't feel guilty that I didn't cook for them, that it wasn't organic, that I didn't see what actually went into making it, and I will be happy knowing that tomorrow they will eat healthier.
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About Me
- Wendy
- I love God, my family, my friends and in general my life! I'm a the glass is half full kinda girl who is blessed beyond her wildest dreams!
