Talk about hioliday stress!

It seems we have a blow up christmas ornament that could use some therapy. Our happy little penguin keeps trying to do himself in. Three times this weekend I caught him disconnected from his outlet and laying in the neighbor's yard. And when I came home from church last night, he was laid out like he'd tried to end it all. Poor little guy-I'm guessing the stress of being part of the Shon's ode to Clark Griswald's christmas display is just to much for him to handle.

Poor guy...I wonder if our insurance covers post holiday stress in yard art creatures...

live like I am living!

I read an article in People this weekend-I'm a People.com addict, I admit-that got me thinking. This article was about Elizabeth Edwards, her life, her stuggle with breast cancer, and her funeral. Now, I'm not a huge Elizabeth Edwards fan, so her death didn't really hit me like it hit some others, but this article really struck a chord with me.

Here was a woman, who had most of her life spread all over the papers, who didn't have a ton of privacy, and who suffered some of the most devestating things a woman can go through-the death of a child, a long and painful fight with cancer, a marriage that fell apart. But through it all, she seemed to "get it".

Too often I think we just try to get by, try to live though the season in our life and get to the next one. We wish for things to hurry so we can get on with the next chapter. Example, we wish Christmas would hurry up and be over so we don't feel stress, or we live for the weekend, all the while missing all the wonderful things that go on during the Christmas season, or lose sight of the everyday miracles that happen during the week. We want our kids to go to school so we can have some freedom, and forget to hang on to the precious memories of their childhood.

Elizabeth Edwards didn't live like that. She bought a house for her and her children, expecting to move into it and start a new life, even though she knew she had a terminal illness. She spent her last days with her loved ones, but didn't talk about her funeral. She lived like she was living, not like she was dying. How awesome is that? Shouldn't we all live like we are living? Why should we dwell on the stressful things, and the difficults things? Why can't we embrace them and find the good in them? I think there is a great lesson is NOT planning your funeral even if you know you have a terminal illness! I for one don't want to spend the last days I have with the ones I love the most, worried about what is going to be done once I'm gone-frankly, I couldn't care less at that point!

So, for today, and hopefully the rest of my days, I will continue to live like I am living. I will enjoy every season that I am in for what it's worth, and try not to sweat the small stuff. I think we would all be a little bit happier if we just followed this simple rule...

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and whatever else you celebrate!

Wanna know what REALLY irritates me, what makes my blood boil, what makes me wanna scream this time of year? Wait for it...

CHRISTIANS!!!

Yep-my people! Oh my goodness, we are so dang good at being judgemental and pious, and rude...and we seem to step it up about 217 notches this time of year.

Of course I'm not talking about every Christian, or even most Christians, but the select few that give the whole lot of us a bad name. There is this preacher in Dallas, that chooses to spend his time and energy making a "grinch" list of businesses that don't tell him Merry Christmas, but instead say "happy holidays". Are you kidding me? Are there really no other problems in the world that need solving, so this is his big concern?

I love how Christians get all offended if someone says happy holidays-I mean seriously! Guess what, We are not the only religion that has a holiday in December-shocking I know, but Chrisitan's don't own December! I don't hear Jewish people screaming out in outrage because someone wishes them happy holidays instead of a happy Hanukkah. You better believe I tell people "Merry Christmas" but I sure don't hold it against them if they tell me Happy Holidays. Why can't people just be pleasant and accept other people have different beliefs? We are so quick to demand that we are free to express our beliefs, but we sure don't wanna hear about anyone elses. What a bunch of hypocrites!

And then there's the whole belief that Christians shouldn't promote Santa in their homes! I mean, why would we teach our children to be honest, then lie to them about Santa??? Uh, maybe because children should have imaginations, and childhood should have a little bit of magic in it, and not everything has to be literal and serious all the time! I must be a bad bad Christian, because I schlep my kiddos to the mall every year to sit on some jolly fat guy's lap and ask for toys...

Nothing makes me turn into a "grinch" faster than intolerance-well except maybe Garth Brooks singing "Let it snow", but that's an entire different blog...

In my house, we make sure we teach our kids what Christmas means to our family. We know it's about Jesus' birth, and we celebrate it as such. But I'm not about to take the magic and some of the secular things out of it. Can we say balance! Why can't we celebrate the miracle of Jesus, and still have some things that are less serious? Do we really think that God is shaking his head in shame if we wish someone a happy holiday? Lord knows, we can't just be nice and tolerant of each other-we have to beat our beliefs down everyohe's throat.

I know it's our job as Christians to bring people to Christ, but I sure don't think the best way to do it is by showing everyone around us that we are a bunch of crotchity, pious, arrogant snobs that think you are an idiot for not believing what we believe. Maybe we should instead be a joyous, delightful person to be around. A person that smiles when someone wishes us a happy holiday, and answers with a festive "Merry Christmas"! These are the people I'd rather be around this season!

Hello...anyone there?

I have a confession: I can be stubborn. I can also be unforgiving. And I can be critical...in fact, I can be downright difficult to love.

I haven't always been like this-ok, maybe stubborn, but not the others. But the past few years I have become some of the things that I really disliked in other people. I've been burned by people-friends, sometimes family, and even church people. And I've become hardened.

I haven't liked who I was becoming and I tried to change-didn't work. So I began to pray about it-ALOT. I am by no means a prayer warrior-I'm just not very good at it. But I was in a place I didn't want to be in, and hard as I tried, I couldn't get out of it. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. And then I went about my business, feeling like I wasn't being heard.

Shon and I have pretty much always gone to church. We went to the same church for almost 10 years, and about a year ago, on a whim really, decided to try another church-just to see what was out there. We stayed-not because we loved it, or because we disliked our old church, but because the kids liked it and it was comfortable-we were under the radar, no one asked us to lead a group or get involved-no one knew who the heck we were. We have been so under the radar in fact, that a church member has introduced himself to us 3 times in the last year. And that's exactly how I liked it-it helped prove my point that all people were unloving and uncaring. I had been burned at the other place-tried to join a few groups, never really connected, never really found my niche...I'm not sure anyone at that place even noticed when we left...hmm maybe we were good at flying under the radar there too...

A few weeks ago I started a bible study-no biggie-Ive done about a dozen. I honestly did it because I was taking Emi to church anyway, and thought it would be a waste of gas to drive to the church twice. This bible study started out like all the others-I learned a few things, found a few bible verses I thought I should commit to memory, had a few bonding moments with other women...then we did a lesson on being a critical person. Well crap! It is HARD to see in black and white the things you dislike the most about yourself!

So the past couple of weeks I have searched my heart, and honestly read the bible, talked to God, and pondered how to get back to the person I was a few years ago. Last week I saw a post on a friends facebook about joining a small group at our church-so I took the plunge. This is not the the first time I've tried this-Shon and I have done small groups before-a few times. To be honest, we hated them. We felt judged, we felt stupid because we didn't know enough bible verses, we felt so out of place. We never bonded with anyone, but I thought I'm gonna give this one more try-with an open heart and no expectations that people will fail me again. And you know what? No one failed me!!! I honestly had one of the best times that I've had in a long time-with "church people"!!! Who would have thunk it!!!

And then it dawned on me...maybe the reason I haven't connected to people in the past is because of my critical nature and the negative vibe that I've been giving off. Maybe if I would have listened to God's wispers in my ear, he wouldn't have had to "hit me over the head" so to speak with a bible study about my critical outlook on people and their motives.

So we are officially in a small group at church. With people who have flaws, and are not perfect, have bad days, and recognize that I am also not perfect. People that are real, but love God, and want to be better. People that I "get". I am so unbelievably thankful that God not only answered my prayer, but that I actually listened to him for a change. I'm still very flawed, still need to be more trusting, but I really believe this will be a safe place for me to start to become the woman that I know God wants me to be!

the curse of the second child

As much as I swore it wouldn't happen, Kynlea suffers from 2nd child syndrome. It's first obvious when you walk into our home and see a mini shrine to Emi, and only a few pictures of Kynlea (usually the professional, matted, huge ones-because we were trying to make up for the fact that it had been a year since her last picture). Every month, or in some cases week, of Emi's first 5 years of life is documented in pictures...Kynlea, not so much. I could easily say this is because Emi loves getting pictures and Kynlea hates it, but there is more proof.

By the time Emi was 2, she was already in a dance class, by 3, she was taking three of them. She's also in soccer. Kynlea is three and has yet to be enrolled in anything. We are so stinking busy with Tyler and Emi, I can't even find the time to get Kyns signed up, let alone to a practice or a game.

But most telling is just by looking at her. Emi never left the house without a bow in her perfectly brushed hair, and earrings that matched her perfectly coordinated and ironed outfit. I'm lucky if Kynlea gets her face washed and her teeth brushed some mornings!

Here's how things have changed:
Emi-always had cute, matching clothes, with zippers and buttons, with no thought to how difficut it is to get her in and out of said outfit...Kynlea-is lucky to get pants that match her shirt, and long gone are any zippers.
Emi-I would buy $30 jeans and not bat an eye, even though I knew she would outgrow them in 3 months...Kynlea-I wait for a 2 for $22 sale at Childrens place, even though she's been the same size for over a year.
Every morning Emi's clothes were perfectly ironed...Kynlea is lucky if hers come off a hanger.
Emi-had earrings that matched her outfit every day...Kynlea is still wearing the studs that her ears were pierced with three years ago.
Emi had the best selection of shoes...Kyns has tinkerbelle AND ariel flipflops
Emi had at least a zillion bows....Ok, so does Kynlea-in this area I haven't slacked

I had this epipahny this morning as I was picking out Kynlea's clothes for the day and stumbled upon a hand me down skirt from Emi that needed to be ironed. I wondered if Kynlea would grow up feeling neglected and think that I don't care as much as I did when Emi was little. And then I thought, it's not so much a case of caring less, but more about deciding what is really important this time around. Granted, Kynlea doesn't always look like a Gymboree poster child, but she is still loved like crazy and I haven't slacked on the quality things. So when she grows up and asks why there are no pictures of her or why she doesn't have a ton of baby earrings to pass on to her girls, I will tell her that I was more secure in being a mom this time around and worried less about the details, and instead focused on just enjoying the small amount of time we have together before I have to send her out into the world.

And just for today, I ironed the skirt and she's wearing it-even though her earrings and shoes don't match :-D

SAY WHAT?

I had my first taste of "what kind of craptastic mother are you?" last night and I gotta tell you, I'm not a fan :-D

Kynlea is three, and is ALMOST potty trained. She's dry most nights, and can stay dry during the day when she chooses...Kynlea does everything as she chooses. I admit, maybe I should be a little bit tougher on her, but who am I kidding, she is my baby, and as hard as I try not to "baby" her, I still do. Plus, I just don't fight every battle with her, if I did, I would have time for nothing else. So, yes, she is three, and not 100% potty trained-Deal with it ;-)

When I had Emi, I was a freak. I read the books, and made it my goal that she hit every milestone well ahead of schedule. She slept through the night by 6 weeks, she walked at 9 months, she was off the bottle at 10 months. She is a genius child-I'm not gonna lie :-D. Potty training her was a bit rough, but that was my fault-I thought I could potty train her by her first bday-THAT totally backfired and she wouldn't go near at potty for a year. But in true Emi fashion, she had her last potty accident the night before third birthday-Emi does everything in grand fashion, it makes remembering milestones easy ;)

With Kynlea, I have been much more relaxed, maybe because she is my baby, maybe it's because I have so much going on, or maybe it's because I am a bit scared of her...it's probably a little of all of it. But honestly, I have stuggled with the fact that she won't be consistant on the potty. I have searched the internet and books for ideas, I have bribed, begged, pleaded, and threatened her. But finally, I let it go and reminded myself that eventually ALL kids pee in the potty.

So last night, I dropped her off at church so we can do Wed night bible study. This is the first time we've done bible study at this church, so I wasn't sure where to take her. I walked past a room with what looked like babies, so I proceeded to the big kid room, where I was promply greated by a "lady". She asked how old Kynlea was, and if she was potty trained. I replyed that she just turned three, and was about 80 % but had a pullup on and would go if she was reminded. This "lady" proceeded to tell me that "the BABIES are in the other room, and that they only accept BIG GIRLS in this room!"

Oh no she didn't!!! I gotta tell you, it's a good thing I was in church!

So here is my thought. Why are we, as moms, so worried about our kids being just like every other kid? Why do we think of ourselves as bad moms if our kids don't comform? And why in the world, do women feel the need to judge other women, instead of being encouraging and warm?

As angry as I was at this woman-and believe me I was furious, it made me think...do I say things that make my mommy friends feel less than adequate? Do I look at kids and think something is wrong if they don't do exactly what I would want them to? I hope I don't and I am very sorry if I have. I learned a valuable lesson last night from that "lady". I will try much harder to be a supportive mommy friend from here on out...

God works in mysterious ways!

I hate today-REALLY hate today. I wish I could just skip July 28th. It's been 5 years since we lost my dad and it doesn't get easier. I can handle father's day, his birthday, and every holiday, but I HATE HATE HATE this day. There are a million happy memories that I have of my dad on every other day, but not today. This day was the worst day of my life-hands down. It completely sucked-BAD!

There is a reason why Kynlea was born on July 27th-because I wasn't about to risk her bday being today. They say that it gets easier as the years pass, but I don't agree. Every year I watch my kids grow and ache inside that their papa gene is missing it. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm hurt-and I'm NOT over it!!!

Shon's dad called yesterday to wish Kynlea a happy birthday-Shon's dad has never met any of our children, has never met me, and hasn't seen shon in almost 30 years-he's nuts, he's a mess, he's not at all a good roll model...yet he calls every birthday and tells us he loves us, that he wants to meet his grandkids, and that he's sorry. I know that Shon is angry, and I'm sure there is major hurt that I can't even begin to understand, but I just don't understand how the man that is so loving to me and our kids, can act like he doesn't even have a dad-because I would give anything to have mine back. I just don't get it and it breaks my heart.

I really do try to be a positive, understanding person. I try to be sympathetic to people that don't have the relationship that I had with my dad and that I have with my mom. I try not to judge or pretend to know better than they do. But today I am not understanding and sympathetic. Today I am angry and bitter and don't understand. I will be better tomorrow and not pass judgement on those who CHOOSE to not talk to their parents. But not today. Any day but today.