Hello...anyone there?

I have a confession: I can be stubborn. I can also be unforgiving. And I can be critical...in fact, I can be downright difficult to love.

I haven't always been like this-ok, maybe stubborn, but not the others. But the past few years I have become some of the things that I really disliked in other people. I've been burned by people-friends, sometimes family, and even church people. And I've become hardened.

I haven't liked who I was becoming and I tried to change-didn't work. So I began to pray about it-ALOT. I am by no means a prayer warrior-I'm just not very good at it. But I was in a place I didn't want to be in, and hard as I tried, I couldn't get out of it. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. And then I went about my business, feeling like I wasn't being heard.

Shon and I have pretty much always gone to church. We went to the same church for almost 10 years, and about a year ago, on a whim really, decided to try another church-just to see what was out there. We stayed-not because we loved it, or because we disliked our old church, but because the kids liked it and it was comfortable-we were under the radar, no one asked us to lead a group or get involved-no one knew who the heck we were. We have been so under the radar in fact, that a church member has introduced himself to us 3 times in the last year. And that's exactly how I liked it-it helped prove my point that all people were unloving and uncaring. I had been burned at the other place-tried to join a few groups, never really connected, never really found my niche...I'm not sure anyone at that place even noticed when we left...hmm maybe we were good at flying under the radar there too...

A few weeks ago I started a bible study-no biggie-Ive done about a dozen. I honestly did it because I was taking Emi to church anyway, and thought it would be a waste of gas to drive to the church twice. This bible study started out like all the others-I learned a few things, found a few bible verses I thought I should commit to memory, had a few bonding moments with other women...then we did a lesson on being a critical person. Well crap! It is HARD to see in black and white the things you dislike the most about yourself!

So the past couple of weeks I have searched my heart, and honestly read the bible, talked to God, and pondered how to get back to the person I was a few years ago. Last week I saw a post on a friends facebook about joining a small group at our church-so I took the plunge. This is not the the first time I've tried this-Shon and I have done small groups before-a few times. To be honest, we hated them. We felt judged, we felt stupid because we didn't know enough bible verses, we felt so out of place. We never bonded with anyone, but I thought I'm gonna give this one more try-with an open heart and no expectations that people will fail me again. And you know what? No one failed me!!! I honestly had one of the best times that I've had in a long time-with "church people"!!! Who would have thunk it!!!

And then it dawned on me...maybe the reason I haven't connected to people in the past is because of my critical nature and the negative vibe that I've been giving off. Maybe if I would have listened to God's wispers in my ear, he wouldn't have had to "hit me over the head" so to speak with a bible study about my critical outlook on people and their motives.

So we are officially in a small group at church. With people who have flaws, and are not perfect, have bad days, and recognize that I am also not perfect. People that are real, but love God, and want to be better. People that I "get". I am so unbelievably thankful that God not only answered my prayer, but that I actually listened to him for a change. I'm still very flawed, still need to be more trusting, but I really believe this will be a safe place for me to start to become the woman that I know God wants me to be!